Dear Doctors
I think I need to see you. I don't know. It has become impossible to cope with living like this anymore and I am desperate for help. I tried to talk with one of you in January, but you were too busy to listen. I felt the upshot of my complaint to the practice manager went along the lines of - well you should have waited longer for the doctor to make time for you - I had booked the appointment on 29th December for the 18th January, you were running 20 mins behind, left me in a room for 5 minutes (to speak to another doctor about another issue not related to me) after I told you I was thinking about suicide. Unfortunately for me, the accumulated anxiety from waiting FOR 3 WEEKS, the depression, the pain, then being ignored, meant that I left and could not bring myself to come back.
When I returned, 2 weeks later, to ask for advice regarding my upcoming appointment with the bowel surgeon, you told me not to come back until I had seen him and gastroenterology.
The referral to the pain clinic has yielded little help. At the follow-up, I was informed that if I want to see what pain really looks like hang around there for a while and had I ever tried meditation? Yes, I have; often and regularly.
Friday I had the exploratory in my bowel booked (and possibly fix the rectocele that gynaecologist refused to do when removing my uterus 3 1/2 years ago and I've been referred 2x to Mr. Clarke for, but I don’t know as it hadn’t really been communicated to me). It has been 4 months since I saw the surgeon in clinic: I was quite uncomfortable and unsure about the whole situation. You made it clear you didn’t want to discuss it; there was nothing more you could do to help or support me, you said. Come back when I've seen all these other people, you said.
On Friday morning I was very nervous. The nurse told me not to be silly. I was extremely constipated, but there was no one to discuss this with. How does one stop being silly?
The referral to the pain clinic has yielded little help. At the follow-up, I was informed that if I want to see what pain really looks like hang around there for a while and had I ever tried meditation? Yes, I have; often and regularly.
Friday I had the exploratory in my bowel booked (and possibly fix the rectocele that gynaecologist refused to do when removing my uterus 3 1/2 years ago and I've been referred 2x to Mr. Clarke for, but I don’t know as it hadn’t really been communicated to me). It has been 4 months since I saw the surgeon in clinic: I was quite uncomfortable and unsure about the whole situation. You made it clear you didn’t want to discuss it; there was nothing more you could do to help or support me, you said. Come back when I've seen all these other people, you said.
On Friday morning I was very nervous. The nurse told me not to be silly. I was extremely constipated, but there was no one to discuss this with. How does one stop being silly?
I was going for bowel surgery with a loaded bowel; how would that work? There was no one to ask.
Is this really so unreasonable and silly?
I waited to be seen and when the surgeons assistant (?) came to see me, he didn’t know who I was 2x, he still came to see me a 3rd time and, although he got my name correct, proceeded to tell me they would be operating on the mass found in my bowel. THE MASS FOUND IN MY BOWEL. I asked what mass, he said it was probably an abscess. Again I asked what was he talking about, he told me a mass was found on my MRI. I said I hadn’t had one, I’ve never had an MRI. He said I had and then that he didn’t know what was what and wandered off. At this point, and over the following 10 minutes or so, my reasoning went out of the window. My husband, being unable to calm me, helped me leave the ward whereupon I had the most horrific experience of my life. I experienced extreme panic, I could not breathe, think or move. All I know is that I could not remain there.
Since then I have felt, really, it would be quite important to come and see my GP. That what people do isn’t it? That's what all the literature concerning anxiety and depression says … see your GP, talking it over with your GP, let your GP know how you feel. This morning I didn't let the anxiety stop me leaving the house, I walked down the road see a doctor. I spoke to the receptionist and realised that I couldn’t leave the house again to come back for the appointment she offered for 1 hour 40 mins later. She then rang me offering me half an hour later, but I cannot cope with the prospect of going outside. It further fuelled my panic and I couldn’t think of anything other than how ridiculous I was being. Ridiculous for feeling like this and stupid for thinking there would be anything other than pills to help me. The pills don’t work, or they don’t do what you want them to, or the side effects are just more issues that stand in the way of life, or … I don’t know.
I waited to be seen and when the surgeons assistant (?) came to see me, he didn’t know who I was 2x, he still came to see me a 3rd time and, although he got my name correct, proceeded to tell me they would be operating on the mass found in my bowel. THE MASS FOUND IN MY BOWEL. I asked what mass, he said it was probably an abscess. Again I asked what was he talking about, he told me a mass was found on my MRI. I said I hadn’t had one, I’ve never had an MRI. He said I had and then that he didn’t know what was what and wandered off. At this point, and over the following 10 minutes or so, my reasoning went out of the window. My husband, being unable to calm me, helped me leave the ward whereupon I had the most horrific experience of my life. I experienced extreme panic, I could not breathe, think or move. All I know is that I could not remain there.
Since then I have felt, really, it would be quite important to come and see my GP. That what people do isn’t it? That's what all the literature concerning anxiety and depression says … see your GP, talking it over with your GP, let your GP know how you feel. This morning I didn't let the anxiety stop me leaving the house, I walked down the road see a doctor. I spoke to the receptionist and realised that I couldn’t leave the house again to come back for the appointment she offered for 1 hour 40 mins later. She then rang me offering me half an hour later, but I cannot cope with the prospect of going outside. It further fuelled my panic and I couldn’t think of anything other than how ridiculous I was being. Ridiculous for feeling like this and stupid for thinking there would be anything other than pills to help me. The pills don’t work, or they don’t do what you want them to, or the side effects are just more issues that stand in the way of life, or … I don’t know.
I cannot see what benefit I would get from seeing a GP other than wasting an appointment on me that would be better served helping someone you can. I am not an emergency; there seems to be very little you can or will do to help. I don’t know where else to go for what else to do but stay in my room.
I don’t know.
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